Day – No one is keeping count.

I know I’ve not written in a long time. I guess it started with skipping writing to study for my end semester exams. Then that just snowballed into lazing around every day of my summer holidays without writing a word. Not that anyone cares. All of you who used to read my shit have probably moved on. But if anyone’s still here, Howdy! Anyway, now summer time is over in India and I’m back to being busy again with looking for jobs in my campus placements and preparing for GRE. So it’s natural that I decided to write! Procrastination is my middle name after all.

Writing has always been therapeutic but this time I am full on using my blog as a substitute for a shrink. You are in for some deep, dark and probably boring shit. I am at this place in my life where I play random Youtube videos in the background because I can’t handle being alone. I need someones voice, speaking something irrelevant so I don’t have to deal with my own emotions. Because lately, dealing with my emotions has boiled down to just crying into my pillow.

I am a weak and overly dependant individual. It’s ironic that I managed to stay strong and deal with some intense shit in my childhood on my own. As a kid, I had a higher tolerance for these things. How ridiculous is that? I guess it is true what they say. Teenage is hard. And it doesn’t even need real problems to be hard. You could have a perfect life and it will still fuck you up the day you turn into a teenager. The thing is, I am not one anymore. I am not a teenager. I’m 20 years old. When is this shit going to stop?

All this time, I have been blaming the person who has been there for me for my dependant nature. Whereas in reality it’s my fault. I like people but I don’t get very committed with all the people I meet. It’s like once in a blue moon I spot a sucker and just leech on to them forever. And when something is not okay between me and them, I implode on myself. I get so much anxiety until they speak to me again. I am consumed with my insecurities and self doubt, so much that I’ve thought about killing myself. Don’t worry. I don’t think I’ll ever go through with it.

Not getting a job is only adding fuel to the fire. The job placements at college have only begun but I didn’t think I’d have to wait with so much uncertainty. It’s making everything worse. The job is only mean’t to be a backup incase I fail to get into a good University for my masters in engineering in the US. I’ve never settled for anything and I’m not planning on starting now. Every university on my list are some of the top Universities in California. I’m not going to get in just like that. I will have to wait a while. But failing to even secure a backup has got my stomach tied up in knots.

I don’t have anything more to say. There is no twist at the end where everything turns into a happy lesson, because that’s not how life works. There is not always a positive ending to everything in life. And writing this post is my way of accepting that.

– The Obsessive Writer.

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18 thoughts on “Day – No one is keeping count.

  1. Oh, at the end of my teens, I remember writing my mom three consecutive nasty letters. I had just read the book My Mother Myself. I blamed her for everything I could think of and some stuff I made up just for nostalgia!

    I regret every word now that I’ve grown. I see, like you I guess, that all of my life was my fault – not hers. I’d give anything to take back those words.

    I could sugarcoat it and say, “Oh, it gets better.” And it does. But you probably aren’t looking for that.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You’re not alone. I play YouTube videos at night when I’m trying to fall asleep so that I don’t have to spend anytime in bed thinking. For some reason, that moment just before falling asleep is the time when I can’t stop stressing about all these different things. Hearing random people talking in the background lets me focus on their voices and not on anything else.

    BUT, that said, I think you writing about this is healthy as fuck (pardon the language). Being self-aware about the bad things in your life is the first step to actually dealing with them. So yay for that!

    I can’t tell you that the job thing will work out. But I can tell you there is more to life than jobs. (This is gonna sound preachy, so sorry.) I find that appreciating the small things that go right in life helps an awful lot. Like if you sweeten a cup of coffee to perfection, not too sweet, not too bitter. Or if you hear the cutest bird tweeting in a tree on your way to class. Or if you write a super nifty blog post.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. You sound exactly like me a couple of years back.. Here’s the thing – Life is hard. I wish I could tell you differently, but I wouldn’t be telling you the truth. You’ve got ups, and you’ve got downs, and sometimes the downs feel never-ending. I promise they will end. Everything will balance out for a minute, and you’ll be smooth sailing for a while. Then, like a rollercoaster, life will take another turn, and upside down everything goes again. If I told you all the things I’ve been through from the time I was 20 til now, you would cry into your pillow, too. I know I did. Embrace it. Find something each day that makes you happy – not just writing…. Look into the sky and appreciate the clouds, listen to the birds chirping, feel the sun on your skin… and be grateful that you have been chosen to feel and see all those things today, because that is special. Hang in there, we’re all fighting the same battle, friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dear God, I actually did a double take at some parts because I could have written this myself. I might be fifteen years your senior and female, but boy do I know what you’re feeling and going through – only mine has stretched out now over so many years. I’d have hoped that by now the sharp teeth of aching loneliness and pain would have dulled by now but… sadly that continues to be my hope. I now pretty much always have to have old Simpsons or Frasier reruns playing on YouTube in the background, no matter which room I’m in, so I can pretend someone is there or at least distract myself from the ever looming Depression monster that’s always right behind me, ready to consume me. It’s something horrible, really. Hang in there is all I can say to you and best of luck. I’m also desperate for a job myself and that indeed does make things worse, like tenfold. Here’s hoping something gives soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This is exactly who i was till last year. I can so relate to this on so many levels. I guess this is what happens with emotional people. Always had music on in the background and a book near me to feel someone’s here even though the characters were fictional. But it gets better, ultimately you learn to be your own hero.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It took me until I was 25 before I got past all the depression. And that was after a lot of self-work and some major emotional pain. I had to face truths I didn’t know I was avoiding. I had to get mad at those I loved and then learn to forgive them. I had to learn to forgive myself too. Tamara Powell is the one that helped guide me through it all (she does online/video sessions with people all over the world – feel free to look her up). Two books that also really helped were (don’t laugh) “Codependency for Dummies” (codependency is VERY different than I thought it was and many people are some degree of codependent) and “You Are A Badass” (which, you totally are). I’m glad you’re reaching out and it’s nice to see that I wasn’t the only one that suffered passed my teenage years. I hope you find what you need and best of luck with those college applications (not that you need it, I’m sure)! Feel free to reach out!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hey Abiramiii.. No old reader has moved on😁
    .Just express the hardest things in your life in a way you are comfortable with. I guess it’s words for you.

    Rant it all out abi! Then take your time to figure out, you will always have ample amount of time! Because, all of humanity on this frikkin planet is confused.

    Liked by 1 person

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