I know I’ve not written in a long time. I guess it started with skipping writing to study for my end semester exams. Then that just snowballed into lazing around every day of my summer holidays without writing a word. Not that anyone cares. All of you who used to read my shit have probably moved on. But if anyone’s still here, Howdy! Anyway, now summer time is over in India and I’m back to being busy again with looking for jobs in my campus placements and preparing for GRE. So it’s natural that I decided to write! Procrastination is my middle name after all.
Writing has always been therapeutic but this time I am full on using my blog as a substitute for a shrink. You are in for some deep, dark and probably boring shit. I am at this place in my life where I play random Youtube videos in the background because I can’t handle being alone. I need someones voice, speaking something irrelevant so I don’t have to deal with my own emotions. Because lately, dealing with my emotions has boiled down to just crying into my pillow.
I am a weak and overly dependant individual. It’s ironic that I managed to stay strong and deal with some intense shit in my childhood on my own. As a kid, I had a higher tolerance for these things. How ridiculous is that? I guess it is true what they say. Teenage is hard. And it doesn’t even need real problems to be hard. You could have a perfect life and it will still fuck you up the day you turn into a teenager. The thing is, I am not one anymore. I am not a teenager. I’m 20 years old. When is this shit going to stop?
All this time, I have been blaming the person who has been there for me for my dependant nature. Whereas in reality it’s my fault. I like people but I don’t get very committed with all the people I meet. It’s like once in a blue moon I spot a sucker and just leech on to them forever. And when something is not okay between me and them, I implode on myself. I get so much anxiety until they speak to me again. I am consumed with my insecurities and self doubt, so much that I’ve thought about killing myself. Don’t worry. I don’t think I’ll ever go through with it.
Not getting a job is only adding fuel to the fire. The job placements at college have only begun but I didn’t think I’d have to wait with so much uncertainty. It’s making everything worse. The job is only mean’t to be a backup incase I fail to get into a good University for my masters in engineering in the US. I’ve never settled for anything and I’m not planning on starting now. Every university on my list are some of the top Universities in California. I’m not going to get in just like that. I will have to wait a while. But failing to even secure a backup has got my stomach tied up in knots.
I don’t have anything more to say. There is no twist at the end where everything turns into a happy lesson, because that’s not how life works. There is not always a positive ending to everything in life. And writing this post is my way of accepting that.
– The Obsessive Writer.