Note To Self

There is a little bit of impending sadness in every bit of happiness you feel. It’s an ominous thought, I know. Today, you’re smiling. You’re laughing. You’re on top of the world, holding hands with the ones you love. You feel like nothing can bring you down. Oh, but it will. It will crash and burn. It’s the circle of life.

How can you ever know if you’ve truly loved, unless you loved it enough to let it break you? It can be so scary to feel happy again. Every high will feel like it’s only the path to another low. What if instead of focusing on the pain, you thought of the good times instead? Maybe it’ll hurt more. Memories have a way of stinging you when you least expect it. Or maybe, you’ll see it was all worth it. When you realize that, that day in the sun was well worth this darkness, you’ll teach yourself to feel happy again.

I think it takes some courage to be this ignorant. To dance with the devil knowing full well, he’s about to stab you in the heart and steal your soul. I’ve seen the highs and lows to the extent a twenty something year old can experience. They say teenage is the worst part, but I think the real shit is yet to come. As bad as it can be, it can be great too. I’m ready to hit reset and refresh as many times as it takes. Falling is scary, oh but what if I fly?

– The Obsessive Writer


To die a happy Man

Death isn’t knew to me. It’s one of my oldest memories. I watched my grand father as he breathed his final breath. He wasn’t scared. I recognised nothing but acceptance and peace in his face. In that moment, it dawned on me. That’s the goal. To die a happy man. And live with no regrets.

You’ve lived a good life if those who wish you weren’t gone are greater in number than those who want you dead. 

Die in peace, if there are people out there who hold on to the little things you said. 

Today, tomorrow, may be years later. 

You will be gone. Not to a better place. Just gone; without a trace. 

If life is nothing but a story, just make it a good one, right? 

-Sincerely, The Obsessive Writer. 

They Belong to the Ages

One moment he was safe and sound.

The next one they laid him to the ground.

And they called it fate.

To which we men are bait

Sometimes life without them is impossible

Fate taking them away is unforgivable

And it’s like nobody cares

When you’re lost in one of your worst nightmares

Nothing’s forever maybe you can pretend

For the beginning of everything there is an end

Once a man has crossed life’s stages

He becomes one with the ages

At one point we’ve got to move on

This one life isn’t for long

Don’t ever think they’ve just disappeared

They’re right there in your every tear!

*To grandpa : love, 12 year old me*

© Abirami

Resurrection – A Journal Entry Of Sorts.

I’ve been thinking a lot and writing very little. So many trains of thought yet, nothing passed the screening test. They were too real and there is nothing quite as unimpressive as real life. No one wants to read that shit, I told myself. So I went on stringing together, pretty strains of meaningless words. I threw in a few rhymes into the mix and stirred until I got some perfectionist poetry. I looked at my creation, the captivating beauty that it was. All the praises soothed my greedy heart. But it didn’t last very long.

It’s like the conscious mind has a reset button. Every night, all your values are wiped clean and the next day you wake up a new person. Ashamed of my shallow past, the voices in my head wept. What about all your hopes and fears? What about all those nights you spent dreaming?  I found them buried, in a lonely corner. A solemn grave for everything I stood for.

The worst kind of death is when you stop living for yourself.

– Abirami.

Voices of Humanity

I’ve written about a lot of things. Most of which is based on perspective. My perspective. When I, a girl of sixteen, have so much to say about everything that happen’s in this world, how much do the rest of ’em? More importantly how much do their opinions affect the functioning of this world? Two people cant be the same. Then how about 8 billion? We all have different perspectives and some even contradict someone else’s. 

What exactly is it I’m writing about, you ask?

Well, it is about all this “grey”  in the world. Nothing is simply black or white. There are a series of complications to every little thing. But one way, or another, it’s all about morality. If done for the right reasons we even believe that murder is okay. I guess its better this way because the opinion of a mass population of the world is far more reliable than the law which is simply every resourceful man’s play toy lately. This post is about a certain, specific shade of grey. Our perspective on who deserves to die. 

If I were to be asked how I felt about death, I’d say:

Its something I’ve not learned to accept yet, it’s painful for those who witness it and for those who have to go through it and most important of all its permanent. I don’t dig permanent. It makes me feel powerless not being able to change something when I want to. I’m not a huge fan of forever either. (Yes, I have huge commitment issues but that is something for a whole new post) Considering my not-so-fond attitude about the end of anything, it’s kind of obvious that I wouldn’t appreciate death either. But, there is one thing that I’ve to be grateful for though. All these theories about heaven, hell and life after death, they have created room for this tiny ray of possibility that death might not be the end after all. The optimist in me is aroused with curiosity. I like holding on to the good things, the things I can look forward to even during the darkest of times. It’s my light switch that helps figure out the way. So this curiosity, I’m just eternally grateful for. Quite literally. When I think about the death of people around me, THAT, I’m not okay with at all. There’s no silver lining to that. You lose a person just like that! And there’s no way of getting them back. To me, that is like the worst thing ever! It’s unfair that we have to lose people when we’re not done with them yet, when you see this huge future ahead with them in it and they’re just gone. But yes, everybody has to go someday. 

Getting back to the point, like this one there are a million more theories each of you out there have. There’s good reason to believe that these theories of ours are the roots of our perspective of death and everything related to it. If you want to die, if you don’t want to die, if you appreciate the life you live – all these factors play a huge role in how you feel about the following cases. But these are pretty general so I’m assuming that your opinion will echo mine. 

We have laws that offer severe punishment to those who take the life of a human being and even animals in some cases. They’re titled murderers and are imprisoned for life or worse. Those laws are strictly following the moral code that no individual or group get’s to end someone’s life. But the same government also has laws that contradict these very same morals. The death penalty for those who have obstructed law and order. How is that fair then? Let him be a serial killer or a child molester. What gives the government the right to end their life? How can they possess the authority to end a Human’s life? They can just play god whenever they like? How ever horrible a person he was, can you tell me that you’d just sit there and watch a man being killed without even flinching? Would you not cringe away at the sight of this utterly sadistic act? 

Consider a different case scenario.”Vengeful father shoots his daughters killer.” Doesn’t reading something like that in the papers just fill you with pride? Can you deny that feeling in the back of your head that you’d have done the same thing? It seems like the moral thing to do. But not when the government does it for the father. Why is that? Maybe we feel this way because the father had the right to kill the man because he bludgeoned his daughter to death where as to the government or rather his executor he owes nothing. It’s the same case when you consider a murder of self-defense as well. What about suicides then? I don’t know about you but it just enrages me completely. We all have problems. Some big; some small; Regardless, no one’s life is a bed of roses. Running away from your problems is cowardly enough. But, running away from life itself just because it has problems on the way is a whole new level of cowardliness. Besides, the gift of life is undoubtedly the greatest thing. When there are people out there fighting cancer to live to see their kid get married or graduate, suicide is just inexplicably unjustifiable.

When there are people out there trying to cope with the loss of a loved one, the most painful loss of all, these deaths just seem so pointless. People killing each other out of a sadistic desire or simply because their life is in the others way. It all just seems ridiculous although their stories might beg to differ. I guess we’d all have to walk a mile in each others shoes at least to actually understand the situation. But the fact that people can actually bring themselves up to end someones life knowing how painful it is will continue to be a mystery to me. The hypocrisy of a man who’s definitely seen this loss in his life like everyone else just going about inflicting the very same pain on someone else is just too much. So the only conclusion in his head is that it seemed right. And if we knew the story behind it from his point of view, we’d probably find common ground with a killer. In the stand off between the stories if the killer and the victim whoever has the more morale side of the story wins our hearts. 

Our morals are all so intense that they begin to contradict each other. We believe in two opposite things at the same time. At the end of the day it’s always the humanity in us that makes this choice for us, on what to believe and what to do. Whatever we feel is not wrong or right. It’s just another voice. If you are loud enough, you’re heard. Else, you end up being another echo in the depth. 



How do you think you’d react if you were told that you have only 5 minutes to live? Do you think it’ll be any different if those 5 minutes were 5 months or years instead? I think I’d have the same amount of disappointment. But yes the fear, would be phenomenally different in each cases. I can almost picture how bizarre my state of mind would be. I’d probably freak out and do something I wont have time to regret.

Making peace with death is all just bull-shit. No on wants to die. No one is okay with it either. Would you be okay with becoming nothing? So the question is what would you do in those 5 years? The first thing that comes to everyone’s minds are their goals in life. All these things they wanted to accomplish in course of life should have they lived it fully. After all, it is our destiny we set out to seek in the first place!

Making a difference that was always mine. I’d do everything I can possibly do to get closer to achieving my dream and perhaps maintain a graceful stride along the way. I mean, who doesn’t wanna be remembered well? I’d probably be nicer to everyone. Wouldn’t want your own funeral to be a no show, would you now? As I went on thinking, I kind of realized that I’d have been a better person in my last few years and all that’s responsible for that ,is death.

Control. It’s everything. Only when something is limited, its used right. No one cares about what’s in excess. Not even life. Every kid would probably spend eternity in high school. I mean, why would anyone waste time over tests and homework unless you’re given a deadline? Ultimately everyone who’s ever accomplished something owes it all to those unforgiving dead lines. So I guess the next time I’ve an assignment due or a Chem final, I should just stuff a sock in it and be grateful? What about death then? As for me, I’d rather live a full life the way I was meant to than be Supergirl and die young. This is one deadline I doubt anyone would appreciate.