Note To Self

There is a little bit of impending sadness in every bit of happiness you feel. It’s an ominous thought, I know. Today, you’re smiling. You’re laughing. You’re on top of the world, holding hands with the ones you love. You feel like nothing can bring you down. Oh, but it will. It will crash and burn. It’s the circle of life.

How can you ever know if you’ve truly loved, unless you loved it enough to let it break you? It can be so scary to feel happy again. Every high will feel like it’s only the path to another low. What if instead of focusing on the pain, you thought of the good times instead? Maybe it’ll hurt more. Memories have a way of stinging you when you least expect it. Or maybe, you’ll see it was all worth it. When you realize that, that day in the sun was well worth this darkness, you’ll teach yourself to feel happy again.

I think it takes some courage to be this ignorant. To dance with the devil knowing full well, he’s about to stab you in the heart and steal your soul. I’ve seen the highs and lows to the extent a twenty something year old can experience. They say teenage is the worst part, but I think the real shit is yet to come. As bad as it can be, it can be great too. I’m ready to hit reset and refresh as many times as it takes. Falling is scary, oh but what if I fly?

– The Obsessive Writer

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Day – No one is keeping count.

I know I’ve not written in a long time. I guess it started with skipping writing to study for my end semester exams. Then that just snowballed into lazing around every day of my summer holidays without writing a word. Not that anyone cares. All of you who used to read my shit have probably moved on. But if anyone’s still here, Howdy! Anyway, now summer time is over in India and I’m back to being busy again with looking for jobs in my campus placements and preparing for GRE. So it’s natural that I decided to write! Procrastination is my middle name after all.

Writing has always been therapeutic but this time I am full on using my blog as a substitute for a shrink. You are in for some deep, dark and probably boring shit. I am at this place in my life where I play random Youtube videos in the background because I can’t handle being alone. I need someones voice, speaking something irrelevant so I don’t have to deal with my own emotions. Because lately, dealing with my emotions has boiled down to just crying into my pillow.

I am a weak and overly dependant individual. It’s ironic that I managed to stay strong and deal with some intense shit in my childhood on my own. As a kid, I had a higher tolerance for these things. How ridiculous is that? I guess it is true what they say. Teenage is hard. And it doesn’t even need real problems to be hard. You could have a perfect life and it will still fuck you up the day you turn into a teenager. The thing is, I am not one anymore. I am not a teenager. I’m 20 years old. When is this shit going to stop?

All this time, I have been blaming the person who has been there for me for my dependant nature. Whereas in reality it’s my fault. I like people but I don’t get very committed with all the people I meet. It’s like once in a blue moon I spot a sucker and just leech on to them forever. And when something is not okay between me and them, I implode on myself. I get so much anxiety until they speak to me again. I am consumed with my insecurities and self doubt, so much that I’ve thought about killing myself. Don’t worry. I don’t think I’ll ever go through with it.

Not getting a job is only adding fuel to the fire. The job placements at college have only begun but I didn’t think I’d have to wait with so much uncertainty. It’s making everything worse. The job is only mean’t to be a backup incase I fail to get into a good University for my masters in engineering in the US. I’ve never settled for anything and I’m not planning on starting now. Every university on my list are some of the top Universities in California. I’m not going to get in just like that. I will have to wait a while. But failing to even secure a backup has got my stomach tied up in knots.

I don’t have anything more to say. There is no twist at the end where everything turns into a happy lesson, because that’s not how life works. There is not always a positive ending to everything in life. And writing this post is my way of accepting that.

– The Obsessive Writer.

Day 4# – Acceptance

The only thing that’s worse than depression is when the people you love, don’t understand what you’re going through. Having to prove that your pain matters can considerably make things worse. Ridiculing mental health issues is today’s equivalent of killing a baby. I understand that. Most people don’t understand the intensity of problems with mental health and they say insensitive things like ‘just get over it’ or ‘stop being dramatic’.

The thing is if we could just get over it, we wouldn’t be here in this mess in the first place crying ourselves to sleep every night. It’s a lot more complicated than that. What’s worse than these people who don’t understand are those who exaggerate small discomforts into something huge. I have seen people who compare mood swings to being bipolar. That’s not just misinformed, it’s plain disrespectful.

When you see someone suffering, try to understand it instead of judging its intensity. What is a paper cut to you, could be a stab in the heart to someone else. Everyone’s made differently and we need to accept that. And if you are suffering, give yourself some room. You need not jump back from it immediately. Nothing’s wrong with you. With time everything will get better.

I have bad days and good days. Little things bring me down and I’m often dependent on the people I love. But the rest of the time I can be strong enough to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. One bad day does not make me weak and one amazing day does not make me indestructible. I’m simply human and I seem to have accepted the way I am even though it sucks to be me sometimes. When I struggle I don’t just look at the bright side. That’s delusional. Convincing myself that everything will be okay, when it clearly is not is just dumb. I choose to process it and move on. I’d rather take the time to recover from the ugly truth than sell myself some pretty lies.

– The Obsessive Writer

Day 3# – Failure

I can’t believe I missed a day. It’s just been two days and I missed one. If you’ve been paying attention you might have noticed too and I’m very sorry. I guess it’s really easy to believe that no one really cares about what you have to say and to ignore the deadlines you make for yourself. I was having a hard day and I decided that everything can go to hell. I wonder if you have days like that too? If you do, please don’t do what I did. It’s important to push even harder to do the thing that’s hard to do.

Life is all about perception or so I’ve always believed. The whole Laurel or Yanny thing kept me up all night. If you’re not familiar with it chances are that you’re a healthy individual who doesn’t need social media to thrive. But here you go anyway. I’d like to keep my readers informed. Please watch this video and tell me what you hear.

I guess the actual thing is that you can hear both. Yanny it a high note and Laurel is a low note. It becomes obvious after you’ve heard it a few times. But when you’re hearing it for the first few times it can be mind blowing that you hear only one thing while someone else hears another. And there’s that dress. I don’t know if you’ve heard of it. An over exposed image of a black and blue dress appeared to be white and gold and people were torn on which was true was well. These kind of things make me wonder if the universe is even a reality of if it’s just something we perceive and imagine. I don’t know. How can mushrooms taste so good to someone and so bad to me? We’re eating the same thing right?

If a single audio clip can sound so different to everyone and we can live with that, why can’t we do the same for bigger issues in life? One person might believe in certain principles in life while another simply doesn’t care for them. What do we do in situations like that? We judge. We judge without realising the horrible power our criticism has.

I’m sort of a people pleaser so I’ve not been at the bad end of being judged that often. But I have watched people getting judged brutally for silly things. Girls get judged for the number of guys they date and the kind of clothes they wear. So what if you’ve only dated one guy but she’s dated three? So what if you chose to remain a virgin and she did not? I hate conflict so I don’t call out people as much as I should for judging others. Silently watching them do this is not something I’m proud of. Maybe everyone just needs to mind their business.

Speaking of minding my own business, I can’t live with this whole people pleasing aspect of myself. I don’t just dislike conflict, I get panic attacks when someone even argues with me. I can feel my body shutting off when I’ve gotten on someone’s bad side. And when it comes to the people I love, I always seem to need reassurance and attention to prove they still love me. It’s hard. And it needs to stop. That’s the reason behind my “bad day” yesterday, in case you were wondering. If I figure out how to stop that, I’ll let you know. The sad truth is that it might be never.

– The Obsessive Writer

Day 2# – Infinity

I heard this in a TV show today.

Why is there a word to describe the concept of infinity, when we are actually incapable of understanding it?

This really got me thinking. Life isn’t forever. Anything you earn does not stay with you forever. What is forever then? If nothing is forever then change is the only thing that lasts. I guess infinity is constant and continuous change. Everyone and everything go through it and that’s the way of life.

I’m from India and I realised a few days ago that I didn’t know much about my culture or about the cultures of those around me. I guess I was in a mood for something deep and meaningful because life has been feeling meaningless for quite some time. So I looked up the Dalai Lama. Even though it’s all associated with Tibet, it still felt quite close to home.

They have many interesting things that are discussed in their religion. Buddhism is by far the most interesting religion I’ve come across. I’m a Hindu and I know a lot of Christians and Muslims. I’ve heard all the lore and just all of it. Right from Jesus to Prophet Muhammad and Krishna. I thought all of that was incredible. But Buddhism only intrigued me more.

One of the things that caught my eye was the sand mandala. I might be wrong. But what I understand is that it’s this intricate design that is made from coloured sand. This design is blueprinted to the millimetre and to the milligram of sand to be used. It takes a long time and a lot of effort to make it. And they create this beautiful thing only to rub it all away till it reduces to nothing but dust. It is to symbolise that nothing is forever. Life, however beautiful it is will reduce to ashes some day. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing even if it’s not a great thing. It’s just how it is.

Even the Dalai Lama himself. They choose a new reincarnation after one passes away. The teacher is always evolving and so are the teachings.

I guess what I take from this is that. Pain or joy, nothing is forever. So it doesn’t have to affect you the way it does. These things don’t have that much power over you. It’s how you choose to look at it. You can keep what you like and ignore what you don’t think you want for your life and things will still be just fine. Because everything will pass.

At the end of the day we have only one life that is guaranteed. We don’t know if there’s another side. So we might as well live this one to the fullest. Right?

– The Obsessive Writer

Day 1# – Regret, Realisation And Revival

My days lately have had some weird beginnings and ends. I wake up in the middle of the afternoon and I go to sleep at 4 A.M. in the morning. What’s worse than having nothing to do? Having people point out that you have nothing to do. Lazy days are great after a hectic weak. But they can make you feel like a bit of a failure when every day is the same. It’s a paradox. I hate doing nothing but it’s what my body and mind seem to need. It’s like I’m grieving something but I don’t know what it is.

On the worst of days we all have a way out. It’s always something or someone. A sliver of hope that we can hold on to. We often tend to take that way out for granted. I used to rely on people that way. People I hardly spoke to, I would make them carry the weight of my world on days I couldn’t handle it. When they stuck around it didn’t matter much. But now that I seem to have no one I can see the error of my ways.

I have made my peace with loneliness. I even enjoy it sometimes. It’s so ironic. I can never seem to shut up when people are around. But I only talk about irrelevant things. I’ve always secretly been an introvert. I’ve been so good at keeping that a secret that most people think I’m a cheerful outgoing person.

Apart from this incessant ranting, the point of this post is that, I want you to understand that no matter who you are or what you are, it’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with it if you get gloomy at times. Forcing yourself out of the dumps is not really necessary just because everyone says you have to. Take your own time. Everyone goes about life in their own ways and we have to be respectful of that.

And if you are ready to pull yourself together, a great way to do that is to find out what you’re thankful for. Straight up make a list. Counting your blessings is bound to put a smile on your face. Even a glass of water that someone else may not be able to afford is a blessing in disguise.

– The Obsessive Writer.

A Blog A Day

Writing is the most positive thing in my life. It has put me over the moon on good days and helped me pull myself out of the dumps on bad ones. I find myself alone, often. I am not literally alone but I am lonely almost all the time.

So I thought I should make the time to write a little for you guys every day. Maybe about my day or about whatever it is that’s on my mind that I think you’ll find interesting. I will start posting regularly from tomorrow (17th May, 2018). I really hope you guys check in every day and I really hope that I don’t bore you to death with my rambling. 😀

Stay tuned!

– The Obsessive Writer

P.S. I am still interested in doing the custom poetry thing. Please email me if you’re interested.