Day – No one is keeping count.

I know I’ve not written in a long time. I guess it started with skipping writing to study for my end semester exams. Then that just snowballed into lazing around every day of my summer holidays without writing a word. Not that anyone cares. All of you who used to read my shit have probably moved on. But if anyone’s still here, Howdy! Anyway, now summer time is over in India and I’m back to being busy again with looking for jobs in my campus placements and preparing for GRE. So it’s natural that I decided to write! Procrastination is my middle name after all.

Writing has always been therapeutic but this time I am full on using my blog as a substitute for a shrink. You are in for some deep, dark and probably boring shit. I am at this place in my life where I play random Youtube videos in the background because I can’t handle being alone. I need someones voice, speaking something irrelevant so I don’t have to deal with my own emotions. Because lately, dealing with my emotions has boiled down to just crying into my pillow.

I am a weak and overly dependant individual. It’s ironic that I managed to stay strong and deal with some intense shit in my childhood on my own. As a kid, I had a higher tolerance for these things. How ridiculous is that? I guess it is true what they say. Teenage is hard. And it doesn’t even need real problems to be hard. You could have a perfect life and it will still fuck you up the day you turn into a teenager. The thing is, I am not one anymore. I am not a teenager. I’m 20 years old. When is this shit going to stop?

All this time, I have been blaming the person who has been there for me for my dependant nature. Whereas in reality it’s my fault. I like people but I don’t get very committed with all the people I meet. It’s like once in a blue moon I spot a sucker and just leech on to them forever. And when something is not okay between me and them, I implode on myself. I get so much anxiety until they speak to me again. I am consumed with my insecurities and self doubt, so much that I’ve thought about killing myself. Don’t worry. I don’t think I’ll ever go through with it.

Not getting a job is only adding fuel to the fire. The job placements at college have only begun but I didn’t think I’d have to wait with so much uncertainty. It’s making everything worse. The job is only mean’t to be a backup incase I fail to get into a good University for my masters in engineering in the US. I’ve never settled for anything and I’m not planning on starting now. Every university on my list are some of the top Universities in California. I’m not going to get in just like that. I will have to wait a while. But failing to even secure a backup has got my stomach tied up in knots.

I don’t have anything more to say. There is no twist at the end where everything turns into a happy lesson, because that’s not how life works. There is not always a positive ending to everything in life. And writing this post is my way of accepting that.

– The Obsessive Writer.

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Day 3# – Failure

I can’t believe I missed a day. It’s just been two days and I missed one. If you’ve been paying attention you might have noticed too and I’m very sorry. I guess it’s really easy to believe that no one really cares about what you have to say and to ignore the deadlines you make for yourself. I was having a hard day and I decided that everything can go to hell. I wonder if you have days like that too? If you do, please don’t do what I did. It’s important to push even harder to do the thing that’s hard to do.

Life is all about perception or so I’ve always believed. The whole Laurel or Yanny thing kept me up all night. If you’re not familiar with it chances are that you’re a healthy individual who doesn’t need social media to thrive. But here you go anyway. I’d like to keep my readers informed. Please watch this video and tell me what you hear.

I guess the actual thing is that you can hear both. Yanny it a high note and Laurel is a low note. It becomes obvious after you’ve heard it a few times. But when you’re hearing it for the first few times it can be mind blowing that you hear only one thing while someone else hears another. And there’s that dress. I don’t know if you’ve heard of it. An over exposed image of a black and blue dress appeared to be white and gold and people were torn on which was true was well. These kind of things make me wonder if the universe is even a reality of if it’s just something we perceive and imagine. I don’t know. How can mushrooms taste so good to someone and so bad to me? We’re eating the same thing right?

If a single audio clip can sound so different to everyone and we can live with that, why can’t we do the same for bigger issues in life? One person might believe in certain principles in life while another simply doesn’t care for them. What do we do in situations like that? We judge. We judge without realising the horrible power our criticism has.

I’m sort of a people pleaser so I’ve not been at the bad end of being judged that often. But I have watched people getting judged brutally for silly things. Girls get judged for the number of guys they date and the kind of clothes they wear. So what if you’ve only dated one guy but she’s dated three? So what if you chose to remain a virgin and she did not? I hate conflict so I don’t call out people as much as I should for judging others. Silently watching them do this is not something I’m proud of. Maybe everyone just needs to mind their business.

Speaking of minding my own business, I can’t live with this whole people pleasing aspect of myself. I don’t just dislike conflict, I get panic attacks when someone even argues with me. I can feel my body shutting off when I’ve gotten on someone’s bad side. And when it comes to the people I love, I always seem to need reassurance and attention to prove they still love me. It’s hard. And it needs to stop. That’s the reason behind my “bad day” yesterday, in case you were wondering. If I figure out how to stop that, I’ll let you know. The sad truth is that it might be never.

– The Obsessive Writer